Identifyyoself

It’s peak political season, so I feel a duty to comment on our current state of affairs. American politics is a disaster. This we all know. So rather than rail against all that is wrong with the current political climate, I’d like to focus on what is possibly one of the best features to arise and take prominence in our system.

I’m a huge fan of identity politics. There’s too much stuff going on these days. Craaaazy times. We live in crazy times. In this current madhouse, I need a quick method for labeling and judging people, so I can lump them in categories and make value judgments against them based solely on my assumptions. I simply don’t have time for anything else.

That’s why I love identity politics. It stays above the substance. It’s superficial-just where I like to be. No nuance. Black and white. Definitive. No space for new information, or changing one’s opinion. Perfection.

My main problem with identity politics is that we don’t identify enough. Historically, we’ve formed our identity around some big and obvious characteristics like our our ethnicity, sexuality, and political leanings, but these things are too obvious. Don’t get me wrong, they make up approximately 95% of who we are as people. However, if you talk to me for even five minutes, you’ll already know these things about me because they are the most important and defining features of who I am as an individual. That said, there are so many additional two-dimensional traits/preferences I identify with that will allow you to more comprehensively judge me. On that note, I’d like to offer a few more of these binary (sometimes trinary) attributes to define others by, after which, there’s nearly nothing left to learn about a person.

Categories for judgment I suggest:

Preference for pancakes or waffles? Related note, real or fake maple syrup?

Peanut butter, overrated or not?

Back sleeper/Belly sleeper/Side Sleeper? More importantly, if you share your bed with someone, do you exit the bed to pass gas, or let it rip?

Philly Cheesesteaks-Delicious no doubt, but really a construction of pretty average ingredients, or no? Moreso, Philadelphia- a barely average city whose delusional residents think their city, their bread, their water, and everything they produce is superior to other places, or no? Why does Philly call it water ice? It’s Italian ice. Water ice is totally redundant and worthlessly nondescriptive. I’ve been told by these same Philadelphians that bread is regionalized, meaning their “superior” baked goods cannot be reproduced elsewhere due to the unique composition of their water and some other intangible characteristics they can’t seem to describe, particular to only Philly, of course. Idk, maybe it’s their arrogance that finds its way into the dough. Sounds like horse shit to me though…

Do you bloom your coffee, or are you an ignorant lil dingus that doesn’t even know what I’m talking about? My friend Dave blooms. DAVE BLOOMS. You best be bloomin’ too.

When it comes time to break out the toilet paper, do you neatly fold or wad it up?

Other than pets and welcome human guests, do you spare the life of any other living thing that finds its way inside your house, or do you swiftly annihilate it?

Does the sensation of room-temperature leather cradling your entire naked body as you lay bare on a leather couch sound pleasant, or no?

Know the answers to these questions and see a person’s soul. Learn if they will burn eternally for their bad taste, or if they are potentially redeemable.