The Booger

I’ve done everything perfectly. Literally, absolutely, everything. The boy has just been fed a well-rounded and nutritional meal of fruits, vegetables, top-shelf breast milk (thank you, wife!), and eggs. He ought to be satiated for awhile. Merely minutes ago, his poop made a jailbreak out the rear passage of his diaper, requiring a full-body wipeContinue reading “The Booger”

A Letter To The Jabroni Doing Yoga In The Public Sauna

Dear Bikram Acolyte, C’mon man. What is your objective here? There are 13 of us packed into this sweaty bitch, and you are making twelve-thirteenths of the group feel weird and annoyed. Let me also remind you, in case through your yogic meditative practice you have transported your consciousness to a higher plane of existenceContinue reading “A Letter To The Jabroni Doing Yoga In The Public Sauna”

Aiming for Zero

Well, this post is not what I hoped it would be, and for that, I am sad. Sad. Very sad. Originally, I planned to come before you, dear reader, proud with accomplishment, but alas, I have not yet achieved my goal. However, as I’m closing in on this elusive feat, I feel it warranted toContinue reading “Aiming for Zero”

Kidding Myself No More

To put it charitably, our house has character (read: is an ancient shithole). This prehistoric archeological site I inhabit leaves me wanting many things, none more so than a dishwasher. No kidding, I easily spend, at minimum, 30 minutes every single day, standing in front of our too-small sink that holds approximately two bowls, becauseContinue reading “Kidding Myself No More”

Chatting With Chat GPT About The Band

The steamiest, moist-est, stankiest thing to do on the interweb right now is to talk with Open AI’s chatbot, Chat GPT. I figured I should say hi. Quick disclaimer: I have no insightful comments or opinions regarding this technology. Remember, I am a dummy. However, I will comment anyways, because that’s my right as anContinue reading “Chatting With Chat GPT About The Band”

What the F#%K is the Economy, Anyhow?

Every week without fail, a new issue of The Economist shows up in my mailbox, and every week without fail, I fail to read it. Well that’s not entirely accurate or fair to myself. I certainly fail to finish it. Often, in a desperate attempt to feel like I’m getting my money’s worth, I franticallyContinue reading “What the F#%K is the Economy, Anyhow?”


Coming at you HARDDD with another IP giveaway. This one is a big dollar idea, so put on a second pair of underpants and stay within 25 feet of a restroom, ‘cause I’m about to instigate some peristalsis in your ascending, transverse, descending, and sigmoid colon. Recently, my close friend Chris embarked on a South-to-NorthContinue reading “Taintenance”

My boyyy, Joe Biden

I come to you people (what do I mean, ‘you people’???) on this auspicious Wednesday to speak to the good news that hath descendedeth from thy heavens. This is no ordinary Wednesday, my fellow Americans. Today is a triumphant day that many of us lazy and entitled patriots have been praying (keyword: praying, not actuallyContinue reading “My boyyy, Joe Biden”

E-Meat Security

As I mentioned in a not-so-recent blog post, I’m participating in the Giving Pledge by giving away my IP. For the next installment honoring my commitment to society, I humbly present an investment opportunity/innovative technology that stands to radically transform the current state of food security.. If the past 6 months have renewed my faithContinue reading “E-Meat Security”