Taintenance

Coming at you HARDDD with another IP giveaway. This one is a big dollar idea, so put on a second pair of underpants and stay within 25 feet of a restroom, ‘cause I’m about to instigate some peristalsis in your ascending, transverse, descending, and sigmoid colon.

Recently, my close friend Chris embarked on a South-to-North singletrack mountain bike journey across the state of Oregon known as the Oregon Timber Trail. To send him off on his gweechie-grinding epic were our mutual friend BillScott and yours truly. We were there to ensure the successful commencement of his several week-long voyage and to keep his spirits out of the shitter, since the first few days of the trip would be the most remote, rugged, and variable.

But I’m not here to tell you about the trip. I’m here to tell you about a trailblazing development that resulted from the experience. I will first, however, give you a two-sentence of synopsis of our first four days on the OTT: A seeming infinitude of downed trees, kind of like a horrific death-loop of eternal hurdles to hobble over with 65 lb bikes. It was heinous in the anus, with the trail (which is a generous term) as knobbly as an armadillos’s scrotum, providing constant vibration to the gerbil catwalk that spanned between my own sack and bumhole.

Enough details. Onward. The important thing is that by day 3 of our quest, it was plain-as-day who the weakest link was, or more clearly, where the weakest link was. Despite our finely-tuned physical bods, we each had a glaring hole in our muscled armor. If out there on the trail, in the remote hills of southern Oregon, we had encountered that spectacled, female, British game-show host from the fabled classic ‘The Weakest Link’ and she were indeed there to identify the weakest link, well… she would have gotten on all fours, crawled vigorously until she was between my thighs, looked up disapprovingly at my jungleous grundle, and curtly declared, “You are the weakest link, goodbye.” Oh the pain of defeat!

It was unanimous. Our taints had failed us. Or.. Or, or, or…., had we failed our taints? Had we done everything within our power to strengthen, protect, and nourish our taints? The writing was on the wall: no longer could we ignore our meat seats and just hope for the best, we had to be proactive about preserving and fostering our taint health. Our taints were to be maintained, that way, they wouldn’t constrain us, or cause pain to us, like a flame to the anus. 

And like a cumnami of clarity, a moment of realization- we recognized that there was a maxi-pad (roughly) shaped hole in the perineum care market. There was a need for a full suite of products specifically designed to strengthen, sustain, and soothe the taint. And with that mission identified, I’m excited to present to you:

Taintenance = Taint maintenance. 

‘No complaints from your taint.‘

With Taintenance, we provide a holistic approach to taint upkeep, with pre, post, and active care products to maintain your taint’s strength in all climates and conditions. Yes, there are butters, creams, and gels on the market for lubrication while you spin those crank arms, but who has your crack when you get back? What product is going to heal and soothe those little red volcanoes known as saddle sores? And ask yourself, what am I going to rub on my taint daily to keep the skin soft, hydrated, healthy, and strong- all without feeling like there’s a swamp in my shorts? Hand cream? That’s for your hand’s, dummy. Maybe your weiner too, but certainly not your taint. Let me break down our three-part product lineup:

Product #1: Backcountry Butter– This is for when the shit is real. Akon said it best, “You’re riding, you’re grinding, you’re on that seat post. You see me lookin’ at you and you already know. You need some taintenance. You already know. You need some taintenance. You already knooooww!.” Amen. So basically this is your in-action cream, designed to limit friction and hydrate the taint, to both fortify and fuel it. Use it for your hour-of-power hammer session, or your multi-day muckett mash.

Now, a little plot twist..Yes our topical solutions manage friction and moisturize your skin, but in addition, we’ve formulated our products to stimulate your senses! We’ve infused our lineup of creams with Eucalyptus and menthol to deliver a pleasant scent and an invigorating cooling effect. Imagine your favorite chamois butter and icy hot made sweet, stanky, passionate love and made a beautiful baby- that’s Taintenance. With this fusion of technologies, we are truly breaking down barriers and generating a phase shift in the gooch cream market. Our products deliver you performance and active comfort-our formula delivers reliable lubrication coupled with restorative and energizing cooling sensations. Simply put, we’ve harnessed the synergies of two distinct skin care lineages to generate a multimodal approach to Taint maintenance and deliver a vortex of combined relief and satisfaction. All natural, of course.

Out of prudence and recognizing that not everyone is equipped to handle the same level of astringency brought on by the menthol titillating their most intimate areas, we offer three levels of ‘spice’ if you will:

Continental– Essence of menthol

Continental Pro– A tabasco-like level of sensation

World Tour Pro– 5/5 pepper level at your favorite local Thai restaurant- manageable for the seasoned veteran, but certainly bringing the heat!

Product #2: Peri-pre Peri-post cream- also known as the PPPP cream or the Quad P cream-This is your daily driver, your leisure cream. It moisturizes and strengthens the skin, but absorbs well, so it never leaves you feeling moist. The Quad P cream also serves as your after-care cream, so once home and showered, lather it on generously, grab the half gallon of milk, the whole box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC), and the salad bowl, spread your goods nice and wide on the couch, and binge watch a season or two of Battlestar Galactica. And once again, all natural, of course.

Product #3: Arctic asshole– Sometimes, an aftercare cream just won’t do. We are wounded, and we need relief. After an egregious ride that has totally flogged our fleshy funbridge, we need to numb ourselves- both emotionally and physically. For the emotional trauma, I recommend Ketamine. For your taint, let’s break out the ice pack. But not just any old ice pack, this is the Arctic Asshole, a state of the art, tailor-made-for-the-taint ice pack, designed and modeled using AutoCAD, computational fluid dynamics, and DeepMind AI analysis. Over 3122 real, human taints were scanned and 3D rendered to construct the optimal shape of this ice pack in order to maximize coverage, minimize bulkiness, and multiply relief. The exterior is composed of high-grade, moldable silicone for custom fitting and easy cleaning. Licensing Coors Light’s groundbreaking blue activated can technology, this puppy will glow blue letting you know it’s as cold as the Rockies and ready to go in your Jockeys. Dishwasher safe, of course. Mesh compression shorts are provided to maintain a tight and sleek fit that allows for portability. After one use of the Arctic Asshole, you won’t shove another ice pack down your pants ever again.

With this triple threat, your taint can take on the world! All of your other flaws and deficiencies might hold you back and cause you to fail dramatically, publicly, and possibly painfully, but it won’t be your taint.

I’ve been scheming the first commercial introducing Taintenance to the masses. Let me set the scene: 

INT. SUBURBAN HOME-EVENING

WE OPEN in a softly-lit, upscale modern living room. Sitting on opposite ends of a looooong couch are Bobby and Becky, two young, preppy-looking socialites. 

BECKY (mid 20s), nervous, uncertain, fidgety.

BOBBY (also mid 20s), looking away, distraught and distant, clearly in inner turmoil.

BOBBY

Grimace, sigh, head-shake, pouty face, second sigh, third loud over-dramatic sigh, whimper. (Finally, he speaks) Dammit!

BECKY

(Nervously, yet concerned) Bobby, what’s wrong?

BOBBY

Oh Becky, so much! So so much. I’m scared, and I’m sad, Becky. You see, all I’ve ever wanted was to be the best bicycle racer there ever was! The greatest! (He looks longingly to the sky). Like Lance, on even more EPO.

BECKY

I believe in you, Bobby! You can achieve anything that’s within your heart.

BOBBY

You’re wrong, Becky! I can’t… I’ve got a big hole in my game. There’s a giant crab in my pants.

BECKY

What do you mean? What kind of crab?

BOBBY

A Maryland Blue Crab. (He pulls a large blue crab from his trousers and throws it out of scene). But I also have a metaphorical crab in my pants too. You see, I can bang on those pedals. I’ve got the watts, Becky. I’ve got the watts! (He all of a sudden looks dejected) …..I just don’t have the taint..

BECKY

But Bobby-

BOBBY

Don’t ‘but Bobby’ me, Becky! Don’t you get it? The taint is the most essential yet overlooked component of a rider’s success! Everything builds off the base of a strong taint. Like my stepuncle’s grandcousin Leroy M. Jenkins said, ‘If you don’t got the taint, win you ain’t.’

BECKY

(chuckling and relieved) Oh Bobby! But don’t you know about Taintenance?

BOBBY

Taint-ta-whaaa?

BECKY

Taintenance! Taint maintenance. It’s a full-suite lineup of all the care products your taint could ever need, before, during, and after any ride!

BOBBY

Oh oh oh my god, Becky! You’re incredible, this changes everything! I am going to be a champion after all! I can feel it in my bones!

BECKY

No, Bobby. You feel it in your taint….

END SCENE. Fade to black. Stamped on the screen with loud effect is the Taintenance logo. The deepest voice you’ve ever heard commandingly barks ‘Taintenance! Taint maintenance! Biiiiiiiaaaaatttttcchh.’

That’s a wrap. First commercial in the books. Digital ads placed exclusively on PornHub, and the sales will flow like the salmon of Capistrano.

Alright, I think I’ve laid down a pretty convincing pitch for this product in addition to providing a comprehensive product description and marketing scheme. I’ll be done now, but let me just leave you with a little metaphor- Your southern meat strip is like the proverbial Gaza Strip, only instead of being under constant assault by Israeli airstrikes, your strip is under the constant assault of life-sweat, pressure, and friction. A war crime may have occurred in your pants. Assemble the resistance! Deploy Taintenance!