Plotline: Cumnami (pronounced Come-Nah-Me)

Here is where I ruin this blog by writing something so immature that there’s no path of redemption going forward. It must be done though. This post is an expression of some part of me. The very crude and childish part, but a part of me, nonetheless. Better to share and regret, than repress creativity, right? So instead of tucking, I’m showing my cards and letting it hang:

Look, I’ve been sitting on some pretty stupid ideas for a long time now. As an act of charity, or more appropriately, an act of making myself feel better by writing a few sentences and posting it on the internet, I’m going to give a spoiler-filled plot summary to a film concept near and dear to my heart. I present to you, Cumnami:

Place-it doen’t really matter. Some big, shitty city, probably LA. It’s overcrowded and dirty. Time-20 years from now. Why? Because I say so.

The meat (otherwise known as plot)- Ok, so this is really a commentary on some of the major societal woes plaguing us. We find ourselves in some busy, overfilled metropolis. People are living in high-rises, it’s so hot, they’re running their AC all damn day,  they’re disconnected from nature, they are greedy and lustful. Key plot point here- an environmental travesty is occurring, this city is just pumping their refuse out into the ocean because the landfills are overfilled with amazon prime boxes (that’s gonna come back to bite them).

And Second key plot point-everyone is addicted to the internet, social media, and all that other web jazz. And of course, PORN!! Herein lies the formation of our dastardly problem. All these porn addicted bros are jacking off to porn all day long and flushing their jizz tissues down the toilet. Problem is, we already know where all that trash is going-the motherfucking ocean.

The sea currents have changed due to rising water temperatures, resulting in all of the cum flushed down the toilets accumulating into one large oceanic cum patch. Furthermore, the great pacific cum patch eventually merges with the great Asian cum patch from the east coast of China and Japan. So we’ve got a majorly big splooge island just floating out there. Well, unfortunately climate change is an unrelenting, ruthless bitch, and the warming sea all of a sudden reaches a critical temperature, triggering a cascade of events. First, the heat-stressed phytoplankton die, releasing some chemical. Second, this chemical somehow interacts with splooge island, and like a giant witch’s cauldron, the hot sea, the chemical, and the cum brew together, resulting in a nebulous massive sentient sperm ocean creature being created.

Now cut back to LA. We’ve got a bunch of douches tanning on the beach as they all swipe thru tinder or something. It seems like a perfectly calm, innocuous day. But a low rumble can be heard. And out there, far on the ocean’s horizon, a noticeable hump can be seen. The rumble grows. The hump nears closer, looming larger and more ominously. The sky darkens and all that other typical transition to scary moment movie shit happens too. As this strange-looking white wave approaches, the rumble grows to a roar. Right before, the wave makes impact, we have a few obligatory lines of dialogue that need to be said by random beachgoers before they’re obliterated by this cum-wave. One guy, looking up in disbelief, slackjawed at the impending wave, states “It’s like a wave, but it looks like a bunch of jizzzzz!!!” Some gal yells “Is that a tsunami of splooge?!?” And then one poor fella, running for his life says the magic words, “It’s a CUMNAMI!!” And then of course, he is blasted away by the wave. Here we cut to about a dozen shots of people getting demolished by the spunk torrent, and the camera of course shows each person gets their own unique faceshot.

This testicle-fueled tidal wave barrels past the beach into the city and wreaks havoc. In a coffee shop, one hipster is ordering latte with extra hemp milk foam right before he gets ker-placked by the deluge. Buildings fall, cars are thrown, scenes of people helplessly trying to swim in a spunk river, maybe a compilation of a dozen more face shots are shown here. Many poor souls perish, drowning in semen. Some unlucky individual is taking a real doozy of a deuce when the pipes fill, and he gets blasted off the toilet by a white firehose of cum, shooting him clear through his ceiling and out of frame. And whererever possible, bad cum puns are to be thrown in.

The mayhem slowly subsides, and the water/cum retreats. People feel some sense of relief that they have survived. Everything, and everyone, is sticky. Well, the peace doesn’t last for long. People start feeling strange. Oh no, it seems the cumnami has impregnated everyone it has come into contact with. Man, woman, it doesn’t matter, starts birthing blobby cum monsters. On their own, they’re pretty manageable, but they gang up on people, pinning them down so they drown in daddy sauce. It’s becoming a nightmare out there. As one relatively macho guy realizes he’s being overpowered and is heading towards his demise, he appropriately yells “Ah, cum on!!”

This situation now warrants military intervention. In a war room, top-level commanders are struggling to figure out what to do. A massive aerial spermicide campaign might be our best shot, but there are nowhere near sufficient stockpiles of spermicidal lube to thoroughly douse this wank paste monster. Of course, there’s one nerdy science dude in the room, and he does a quick google search for natural spermicides and shows the head honcho, the Secretary of Defense, his findings. What has he found? Well this article: The headline is visible on screen : “Spermicidal effects of lemon juice and juices from other natural products”

Stating the obvious, our scientist utters meekly, “I guess juice might kill sperm.” The Secretary of Defense, standing and facing away from everyone as he thinks so, so hard, says slowly and sternly, “Get me every god damn drop of juice this state has! Lemon, orange, pomegranate, cantaloupe, get it all.” He proceeds to list 2-dozen other fruits. He throws in, “And all the orange soda too!” With a plan in place, he announces, “Let’s rain some juice and fizz down on this jizz..”

Pilots gear up to implement Operation Sunkist Rain. It’s noticeable that all of the planes are also equipped with large nuclear warheads. Some schmuck standing by ponders aloud, “Why do all the planes have warheads?” To which some commando says, “In case the plan changes, and we have to nuke this nizzle-drizzle into oblivion.” The schmuck then has a palpably nervous swallow (of saliva, not jizz). The planes all take off, but ominously, it can be seen that some cumnami babies have somehow latched themselves onto the landing gear of some of the planes.

The planes begin to rain down the orange soda and juice medley onto the city in chaos below. And it’s working! But oh no, the stowaway cumnami blobs attack the pilot and crew. After a valiant struggle, they manage to eject the diabolical cum blob out the back of the plane.

Reassured after winning the struggle, the pilot high-fives his first mate in a celebration of victory, but accidentally knocks the lever to release the warhead. A nuke then drops on the city, and LA is annihilated. The flabbergasted pilot says, “Ooopsies!”

So LA is gone, and at this point so is the cumnami and its cum-kin, at least we think. We hear the secretary of defense talking with the president over images of the destroyed city. Crisped semen and rubble everywhere. The secretary can be heard apologizing for the accidental warhead detonation, to which the president responds that he didn’t really like LA and that it was kind of an overpopulated crap-hole anyways. But here the camera drops into the ground, entering the sewers, and we can see streams of cum flowing, gathering, and making its way back to the ocean, where it regroups, preparing for another cumnami…. Fade to black.

I happily give away all rights to this film concept to anyone with the (in)capacity, determination, and vision to execute on these words and create a film. I just ask for a cameo. I’d love to be an unwilling victim of the Cumnami. Do I have any takers?

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