I come to you people (what do I mean, ‘you people’???) on this auspicious Wednesday to speak to the good news that hath descendedeth from thy heavens. This is no ordinary Wednesday, my fellow Americans. Today is a triumphant day that many of us lazy and entitled patriots have been praying (keyword: praying, not actually taking any meaningful action) would arrive. Sleepy Joe, as he has been monikered in the past, woke up with a marvelous idea and delivered on his sacred vow to forgive 10-20K worth of federal student loans.
Now, I come to you people torn. With mixed emotions. On one hand, I question whether this is good policy. Is forgiving hundreds of billions of dollars worth of student loans of educated people who should ideally have the skills to acquire good paying jobs and likely have higher earning potential than those without such education the best use of resources? A suboptimal use of such funds, possibly. There might be folks with greater needs, or more impactful ways to spend such amounts of money. One argument is that this will serve as an additional stimulus for exactly the people who do not need a stimulus. Hence, will this action be inflationary? Is it bad for the economy?
On the other hand, it is inflationary to my own bank account. It is very good for MY economy. So I say yeehaw baby, let her ride! Gimme’ dat monaaayy! I mean, isn’t that the American way, the spirit that guides our greatness, the myopic and narrow-minded self-interest above all else? Anyways, I know many of y’all mothafuggas got that PPP and wasted it, you fraudulent twats (but respect to the hustle! but also, that’s kinda shitty what you did, taking that money and buying boats and ponies, and definitely not paying your employees).
So what to think of my boy Joe on this glorious day? Is he a brilliant economist? Maybe not, he might be screwing the pooch on that front. He may be bringing about stagflation. He could be the hired fluffer who’s diddling our parts when we took three Viagra six hours ago, and we definitely don’t want to be inflated anymore. But…is he a guy who’s saving me ten thousand dollars? Yaaasss, so God bless the man!
Let’s talk priorities for a minute. Let’s discuss the needs of our society, of our world, and have a frank discussion about how this money for debt forgiveness could otherwise be allocated. What problems should we instead invest in solving?
Global warming and the destruction of our environment? What is the environment, but a social construct of our collective imaginations? Plus, I met this 65 year old Floridian who told me he had to put on a sweater in Tallahassee last October, and he said that’s never happened before. This sounds suspiciously opposite of a warming pattern. You tell me, science..
Social justice? Schmocial schmustice.
Inflation? Once again, fuck y’all PPP swindlers (but again, respect too).
Disease? Take a multivitamin.
Russia? Putin, take Javelin missile, and put-in your anus, okay??
AI? Sorry, but we don’t stand a chance here, we’re done already, there’s no point in fighting this one. Let’s not even cross the starting line on trying to address this issue, let’s take off the joggers, put the sweat pants back on, grab the whole pint of Cinnamon Bun Ben and Jerry’s, plop that cellulite booty back in the Lazy Boy, bask in the glory of our own off-gassing, and just live in denial of our impending and all-but-assured defeat and enslavement buy the machine intelligence.
Education? Before we worry about educating any future generations, let’s first focus on taking care of the educated for a bit.
Cancelling student debt? Okay, now here’s an issue we can do something about! Quite clearly, this must be our foremost problem to solve. I’m glad that’s settled.
Moving on, to mark this new holy day, I’d like to re-release a hot lil number I recorded on the day of Biden’s inauguration, which was fittingly, a Wednesday. The track is titled ‘New President Wednesday’ and in it, I express the collective relief that many felt that day with the change in leadership. But more importantly, the lyrics are also pregnant with a profound hope of one day being able to flake on paying my student loans due to Joey drafting the ultimate executive order. I dutifully waited, and did my part, by fighting the urge to repay the bean counters. As difficult as it was, I resisted, and I am proud to stand here today with at least 10K to be erased.
Just to discuss the track for a moment, as I mentioned, it was released on 1/20/2021 to a fair amount of fanfare, or fair fanfare, or fanfair, if you will. The reviews were overwhelmingly positive. I believe Pitchfork reviewed the single and gave the album that it would be released on a preemptive 9.4 because the track was just such a banger. One reviewer spoke to the palpable emotion and truth in the vocals/lyrics- ‘When he sings about the president forgiving his loans, you can feel it deep in your loins that he truly wants his loans cancelled. Powerful stuff’ -Rick Steves
I present to you, ‘New President Wednesday’