Arugula: Supreme Ruler of Greens

Out of all the cruciferous, leafy green offerings, arugula stands petiole and blade above them all (Yes, I googled the anatomy of a leaf. No, of course I don’t casually know such terms).  On some level, I feel this fact is already known among many, yet has managed to remain a quiet truth, tacitly accepted.

First things first, before I praise the many admirable qualities of arugula, my list of grievances against all other greens:

Spinach-Well, it’s good for you, yes, but no one really likes spinach. It’s a chore to eat. You eat spinach because you know it’s the right thing to do, not because you want to (unless it’s sautéed in heaps of butter, though this piece aims to analyze the merits of greens on the basis of their raw consumability).

Mustard greens- Too turdy, plain and simple.

Collard greens-Oh what thick leaves. It’s like eating construction paper-the green colored kind.

Chard-Swiss and elitist, not a green of the common man. The stalk is like a bad piece of celery.

Kale-Respectable, but slightly too abrasive of a mouthfeel. A wee bit dry, and one million micro pieces of kale end up inside of your mouth waiting to sabotage you at any moment should you decide to smile at anyone during the next 11 hours. You can even try to floss, but kale is a hardy, cunning bastard, and one little piece may still find a way to appear right on the face of that big ol’ front tooth of yours.

Lettuce (all types)- Who the fuck eats lettuce anymore? Lettuce is so 2004, and if you eat lettuce, you’re an ignorant fucking fool who is clearly not keeping up with modern health trends. Sure, it’s fine for you, but it’s not a goddamn superfood, and these days if it ain’t a superfood, it might as well be a mouthful of death, cancer, and dingleberries.

Now let’s talk arugula. Sweet, sweeeet arugula. Actually, it’s not sweet at all, but figuratively, hell yeah it is. Some of its distinguished attributes:

Texture-Perfect, a little bit rough like the finest of sandpapers, but also soft and smooth-a provocative dichotomy that really challenges the eater and begs the deep question: Is it rough, or is it smooth? Answer: it is awesome.

Moisture content- Ideal, not soggy or moisture-laden, but optimally filled for a nice crispness that neither dries nor soaks the mouth upon mastication (Oh baby, let’s masticate!)

Size-Fucking fantastic. You can just grab heaps and handfuls and shove them aggressively into your face hole. Upon doing so, with little petioles sticking out the corners of your mouth, it’s hard not to imagine yourself as a majestic brontosaurus nibbling off the canopy.

Shape-Sexy. Never has another leaf awakened within me such forbidden desires.

Flavor- Oh my! Pepper. Spice. Heat. Cool. Earth. Bitter. Zest. Soooooooo complex.

Versatility- Put in your mouth. Put it on a pizza. Put it on a taco. Put it on a sandwich. Put it in some rice. Just put it inside of you.

Name-legit as hell. In fact, I’m considering naming my first-born Arugula. Sounds noble, yet still approachable.

I rest my case.

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