-Soulfully laments the great Andrew Dempsey-Karp in classic Squish Rat banger track, “Spread the Bologna.”
Just to explain a few things- Andrew is my friend, and Squish Rat is the dope band (or musical drinking club) we’re co-members of. We’re friggin’ legit. ‘Nuff said.
Anyways, this question he poses in melodic verse refers to another pointless piece of IP I will be giving away as part of my Giving Pledge. Yes, like Bill Gates and Warren Buffett, I too have committed to redistributing the majority of my wealth. Yet, in my case, it is not my material wealth (of which I really have none- though as of today, I own 1.178345 Solana coins, so watch the fuck out!) which I will share with the world, but my mental treasures. A while back, I laid out the plot of the future Oscar-winner ‘Cumnami’ for any enterprising and audacious filmmaker to birth into existence. Today, I come offering a mechanical invention that could revolutionize the way humanity eats peanut butter and any other spreadable delight for the rest of time.
Let me answer Andrew’s question: Yes, it would be nice if there was a knife in the top of the can. Very, very, very nice indeed.
Imagine this tragic, but all too common scenario: A family of refugees from a war-torn land have just completed a several day, arduous breaststroke across the Atlantic, landing on the shores of Long Beach Island, New Jersey. Needless to say, after the swim, the family is quite famished. The father pulls a waterlogged dollar bill out of his pocket, his family’s entire store of monetary wealth after selling their goat farm. He wanders onto the boardwalk in search of sustenance. He haggles with the carnies and hotdog stand owners who callously brush him aside, since he only has $1. After repeated rejection, he finally strikes a deal with the operator of the Whack-a-Mole stand, who agrees to sell him a half-eaten jar of peanut butter for his dollar. Ecstatically, he runs back to his family with his haul. They excitedly circle around him and begin to jump and shake with hunger and excitement as he unscrews the lid.
…..And all at once, elation turns to despair. He stands there dumbfounded, lid in one hand, jar in the other. His wife, visibly perturbed, asks, “What about a spoon? Or a butterknife?” The man drops to his knees, devastated. Sweet, creamy goodness in his hands, yet no way to scoop it. He moans-exactly like this: Moaning Sound Effects– for about 3 minutes. Finally, he stands up, and angrily punts the jar of PB into the Atlantic. His family goes hungry…
I envision a world where no one suffers this fate ever again. I dream of a world where every lid to every jar of spreadable, scoopable substance has a built-in utensil. Imagine Jif with a built in spatula… Contemplate your favorite jar of salsa with a spoon in the top… Consider your nutella, delivered to your mouth by way of the lid-butterknife… Conceive, if you can, of a jar of Klaussen’s always chilled and never heated pickles with a lil pickle fork in the cap…
Bissssh, I’m talkin’ bout the Slanty Scoop! The lid with a built-in scoop. Andrew, it’s the knife in the top of the can! The real genius to this device though, is the angle of the device. Let a diagram illustrate its brilliance:
Why so damn clever?? Well, because it leaves in no delectable sauce or substance lonely and wasted at the bottom of the jar. A few more diagrams to break it down for ya:
What the hella, Nutella? As the arrows indicate, the length of a simply vertical spreading device contained within the jar would not allow the eater to harvest the goodness contained in the corners and nether regions of the jar. Those poor, isolated lumps of cocoa-hazelnut chemical paste will die uneaten within the confines of its receptacle. Sad.
Sweet Baby Ray’s! We have lift-off of the sauce or whatever the hell is in that jar, and it is reaching escape velocity to break free of that malicious jar’s gravitational field to arrive for scheduled rendezvous and docking with….yo mofuggin’ mouth, ya dig?
No deliciousness wasted. What a world it would be. I’m not sayin’ this would solve all society’s problems, but likely most of them…
Call the number on your screen right now (420-420-6969), and we’ll send you the Slanty Scoop for all your sauces, butters, and spreads, AND as a bonus, you’ll get a Pickle Picker Fork for Free!!
But wait, there is so much more! Call in the next five minutes, and we’ll send you the pickles too! (Kept a crisp 37 degrees through the entire shipping process).
***Shipping and handling do not apply, as this is all malarkey, entirely hogwash if you will, 100% poppycock, or as the Queen might say, straight twaddle, pure claptrap, nothing but piffle!
But for real tho, tv infomercials, that’s child’s play… While we could ball with the best dildo ads, butt cream salesmen (good band name!), 900-number hotlines, Slapchops, Shamwows, and Ginsu knife hustlers, we’re tryna be like Justin Timberlake in The Social Network. Fuck millions, we’re here to make billions. Straight Doge homie! We license this advanced tech out to all the major playa’s in the jar game, I’m talking Smuckers, I’m talking Jif, you too Skippy. Nutella, Pace, the fancy PB too, Justin’s, you’ll be begging for this hot tech.. With a lil commish paid with each jar sold, watch out, Jon Bon Jovi, because we ain’t gonna be livin’ on prayers. We’re gonna be livin’ on fat stacks of booty (pirate’s booty-like golden coins, genie lamps, bling bling baby).
Once again, this civilization-shaking technology is up for grabs, for free. To some brave soul out there, take this gift, feed the world, and put a knife in the top of every damn can you can, man (or woman).
PS: Though it appears as though a 4-year old created the artwork for this blog post, it was in fact me, a 31-year old. A professional, if you will. Let me qualify my scribbles with two points:
- I suck
- It is surprisingly hard to scribble shapes and words using one’s laptop mousepad.
Also, my wife spent about ¼ the time I did and made objectively better diagrams. Why she would stoop to my level of thinking for a brief time and entertain my unsophisticated ideas, idk, but here dem slides are: