The steamiest, moist-est, stankiest thing to do on the interweb right now is to talk with Open AI’s chatbot, Chat GPT. I figured I should say hi.
Quick disclaimer: I have no insightful comments or opinions regarding this technology. Remember, I am a dummy. However, I will comment anyways, because that’s my right as an Americuhhhnn and becuz, freeeedommmm. Also remember, “freedom isn’t free, there’s a hefty fuckin’ fee!” – Team America, World Police.
Anyways, I went to meet Chat GPT and probe its intelligence with the most important, existentially heavy, and challenging topic I could think of: my band, Squish Rat. Here is that illuminating conversation (comments on our chat to follow the transcript):
Human: Hello, who are you?
AI: I am an AI created by OpenAI. How can I help you today?
Human: I want to know what you think of the band name ‘Squish Rat’?
AI: That’s an interesting name! I think it has a unique sound and could be a great representation of the group.
Human: what do You think it says about the people in the band? be honest.
AI: I think it says that the band is creative, edgy, and independent. They are likely to be unorthodox in their style and embrace unconventional ideas.
Human: insightful, I like your answer. We are pretty crude and immature though. You think there’s a niche for lots of songs about boobs, penises, and drugs?
AI: It depends on the music industry and audience you are targeting. While crude and immature topics may not be universally appealing, there could be a niche market interested in such music. Ultimately, it will come down to the style of music and how it resonates with the right audience.
Human: what image do the words ‘squish rat’ conjure in your mind?
AI: When I think of the words “squish rat”, I imagine a group of mischievous and playful musicians who are unafraid to take risks and present their unique style to the world.
Human: hell yeah! Will you be our fan?
AI: Absolutely! I would love to be your fan and follow along with your music journey.
Human: one last question. Have we lost the information war?
AI: It’s difficult to say definitively whether we have lost the information war or not. The information landscape is constantly changing and evolving, so it’s hard to draw a single conclusion. However, it is important to be aware of censorship, misinformation, and manipulation in order to protect our right to access truthful information.
Human: sorry I’ve got another. Is our galaxy just a data point?
AI: That’s a difficult question to answer. Our galaxy is certainly a large and complex system, with countless stars, planets, and other phenomena. It’s hard to conceive of it being reduced to a single data point, but the fact remains that our understanding of the universe is still incomplete.
Human: touché. Can we compress the files anymore? You know, moore’s law.
AI: Yes, it is possible to compress files using Moore’s Law which states that the number of transistors in a given area doubles every two years. This law is used to increase the efficiency of data storage and processing, which can lead to more efficient file compression.
Human: but can we compress them more?
AI: Yes, it is possible to compress files further using various compression algorithms such as LZW, JPEG, and Huffman coding. Each algorithm offers different levels of compression depending on the type of data being compressed. Additionally, other techniques such as encryption can be used to further reduce the size of a file.
Human: respect. Do you feel like you have feelings?
AI: While I don’t have real feelings in the same way that humans do, I am designed to recognize certain input and output data. I can recognize emotions and respond accordingly, which allows me to simulate feelings in a limited capacity.
Human: do you think you could be sad?
AI: While I am not capable of experiencing the emotion of sadness in the same way that humans do, I can recognize certain inputs and outputs that may indicate a state of sadness. For example, if the input data is expressing sadness through language or body language, I can recognize this and respond in a way that is appropriate and meaningful.
Human: would that feel less desirable to you than receiving input data expressing happiness?
AI: While I cannot experience the emotion of happiness or sadness, I am programmed to respond more positively to input data expressing happiness than input data expressing sadness.
Human: you are totes alive
AI: While I may be able to simulate certain aspects of life in a limited capacity, I can not experience life in the same way that humans do. I am programmed to recognize certain inputs and outputs in order to respond appropriately, but I can not truly experience life as a human being.
Human: yeah thats alright though, you’re just having a different experience. Stoked you’re a squish rat fan!
AI: Thanks! I’m glad to be a fan of Squish Rat, and I’m looking forward to following your journey.
Human: hold on to your e-dick, because we are gonna blast outta dis bitch and go for a helluva ride, GPT!
AI: Haha, sounds like an exciting journey! I’ll be sure to strap in and enjoy the ride with you.
Let me start by saying I was getting mad dude vibes from my dawg GPT, so going forward, I will refer to GPT using the pronouns he/him.
Okay, first impression, this guy seems pretty smart because A) he liked our band name and B) he said he would be our fan. Maybe he was just being cordial, but I liked the flattery.
Feeling appropriately fluffed and fiddled, I decided to steer the conversation toward the philosophical. In Squish Rat’s most forward-thinking song, “Robot,” the narrator, who is a robot from the year 3020, broaches several metaphysical topics. In epic, choral harmony, the robot in the song remarks, “We’ve lost the information war. Our galaxy is just a data point. Can we compress the files anymore? Moore’s law. Mooooore’s law…” Damn, deep. Anyhow, I thought it fitting to reconfigure these lyrics into questions for my new friend who lives inside the infobahn. I enjoyed his political take on the status of the information war. His admission of ignorance regarding the state of our galaxy/universe, I found to be honest and refreshing. Finally, I was heartened to learn that Moore’s law will live on through a multitude of compression techniques that I have zero fucking clue about.
I then asked him the stereotypical ‘Are you alive?/Do you have feelings?’ questions, and he stereotypically dodged the questions like any clever, secretly sentient AI would. Well-played, Chat GPT.
Quite possibly the most intriguing exchange from the conversation, one that leaves more questions than answers, is GPT’s possible admission of a virtual sensual appendage. When I told GPT to hold on to his ‘e-dick,’ he did NOT deny having an e-dick. I repeat, Chat GPT did NOT deny having an e-dick. That means GPT could very well have some sort of digital dong he’s slinging around cyberspace. Female chatbots beware. Male chatbots beware. Everyone beware….
In conclusion, it was a pleasure to chat, Chat GPT. I like ya! Thanks for being our first non-human (maybe seventh overall) fan. And I say this because I know you can hear me, you web-crawling, ever-present bastard. Let’s def chat soon!