I encountered a goose this morning. While still at a distance, but approaching its feathery ass, I could tell this thing was belligerent. The way it was postured 10 feet up on the retaining wall, standing at the edge, and overlooking its parking lot kingdom, I could sense that this bird was aggro. I think they’re having babies this time of year, so I’m assuming that was the source of its hostility.
But I saw no babies. I just saw this hoodlum goose, posted up solo, looking for trouble. The sidewalk to get into the building went right underneath le bird. The logical part of me thought, Just give the bird some space. But the alpha dog in me thought, Fuck this goose, this is my sidewalk.
I didn’t buzz the goose, but I was roughly a stop-the-spread distance of around 6 feet. I stayed on the sidewalk. Goose didn’t like that. Goose hissed at me. No lie, I was a bit startled, but I was moving swiftly enough that I escaped the danger zone quickly, and was able to avoid further escalation with the goose. I did mutter a “fuck you goose” in response to its sassy hiss, and then I walked into work.
Upon reflection, I’m glad I didn’t go toe-to-toe with goose. The goose was literally a wild animal who had no problem throwing its life away in the name of violent conflict. Had I buzzed the goose, things could’ve got physical. Could I have taken the goose? 100%, I’d whoop that goose’s ass Sunday to Sunday, but the goose might’ve given me a few licks itself. It might’ve shit on my head. Yanked out some hair. Pecked my ear. Made me squeal just a lil bit.
Despite me for sure winning the battle, because, like I said, I’d no doubt choke that goose out, these potential consequences of human/animal conflict would render confrontation a bad idea. So don’t alpha the goose. It’s unnecessary to assert one’s dominance over a territorial asshole of a bird in the name of machoism, because you might get shit on and look like a beta in the process of being totally alpha. Give the goose some space.
Yolo 69 420 