As I mentioned in a not-so-recent blog post, I’m participating in the Giving Pledge by giving away my IP. For the next installment honoring my commitment to society, I humbly present an investment opportunity/innovative technology that stands to radically transform the current state of food security..
If the past 6 months have renewed my faith in anything, it’s in cryptocurrencies. Talk about an inflation hedge! I only speak for myself here, but I thank that good ol’ fucker, the Lord Almighty himself (Can I get an Amen?!) on the daily for the fact that 95% of my family’s wealth remains invested in Tiger King Coin. Over here at the Forsyth household, we’re bettin’ on winners, baby!
Anyways, I don’t mean to gloat. It’s poor form to flaunt my financial brilliance when so many are in distress. Alas, I come here with hope! Better yet, I come here with an opportunity..
May I present to you:
Security.. for my meat? How u mean?
We’re bringing the highest levels of quantum-esque security to your most luxurious, first-choice carnal cuts, integrated with the convenience of leading-edge modern digitized connectivity, utilizing blockchain transparency, all wrapped into one cloud-based solution.
Pretty self-explanatory, right? Also, kind of a no-brainer innovation that a lot of the big players in the tech space will be wondering “How in the yeet-skeet were we not first-to-market on this??”
So you don’t speak tech? That’s okay. Let me break down E-Meat Security (EMS) in the most simple-to-digest way possible: a story, moreover, a cautionary tale..
You wake up in a cold sweat. Panicked, your torso instantaneously springs upright, and for several minutes, you vibrate like one of those little doorstopper spring-thingies you used to sit on the floor and flick as a kid. Something is terribly wrong, you just don’t know what. After a moment you let your guard down and the deafening silence creeps back in. Then suddenly through that emptiness comes a pterodactyl-like scream, one of confirmed tragedy. You sprint to the kitchen, the source of horrible shriek, and you find your wife on her knees in tears, the fridge and freezer in disarray, totally pilfered. She yells “My sweet meats!!” Her words are both a helpless uttering of loss and a desperate question to any potential higher power as to why such tragedy has befallen your family. But her cries are to no avail. You have been hit by the meat thief.. And what recourse do you have? Answer: None. You’re fucked, my friend.
God damn, that sounds terrible. Do not let this happen to you or anyone you remotely care about. Luckily, you can prevent this. That’s where E-Meat Security (EMS) has you covered.
As the leaders of the digital meat marketplace (DMM), we provide an online trading platform where you can purchase digital tokens known as Beefcoins (BCs) that are backed by meat (BBM). This means that each token you purchase is steak-ed to a real pound of meat in the real world. This meat has been cryogenically frozen and is securely held in an undisclosed neutral territory to allow for redemption even in the most apocalyptic of times.
With each Beefcoin token you purchase, we generate a cryptographically unique NFT specific to YOUR meat, ensuring YOUR unequivocal ownership and claim to that flesh. For owner convenience that enables precise coverage of one’s exact meat needs, fractional units of Beefcoin, known as nomnoms, which represent 0.0001 BC, can be purchased.
Whether it’s a pound of poultry, a lump of lamb, a bushel of beef, or a nun’s cunt (not a technical unit of measurement) full of carnitas, you are backed by meat (BBM).
Who’s protecting your meat?
Maybe no one right now. You are vulnerable, so I recommend heading to the EMS DMM stat and insuring your ‘tein (as in pro-teeeeeeen). That said, as this technology launches, other maleficent players will surely enter the space hoping to profit. Beware of false competitors, and don’t be taken by these malfeseants and hooli-googoos. Ask them: Are you BBM (backed by meat)? Are your tokens one-for-one tethered to pounds of meat?
Where We’re Headed
My deep knowledge of the cryptosphere tells me there’s going to be some serious consolidation in the space in the coming years, with many losers and few BIG winners. With 86% of the world’s population regularly putting meat down their mouth-holes, E-Meat Security is poised to be one of the champions. I predict that in five years, we’ll be talking mainly about the big-three in crypto: Bitcoin, Ethereum, and E-Meat Security (BEEMS).
The acronym you’ll be hearing all about: BEEMS-say it don’t spray it.. But maybe fillet it!
These last 10 years, it’s been all Meta, Apple, Microsoft, Amazon, and Alphabet. Well, big tech, you can go cry to your MAMAA, but BEEMS is here and taking over. Tell me, what are these bloated tech giants even providing the world? Who even shops on Amazon? You can find me at the mall, bitch. Show me someone who thinks Alphabet is well-poised to retain market share and remain relevant, and I’ll show you a sucker. I firmly recommend investing in this infrastructure while valuations remain modest, because once the battle for the world’s meat security is settled and EMS is the cornerstone of the meatcosystem, your ROI will surely be more marginal. Consider this a Strong BUY recommendation from yerr boy, Yolo69_420.