We(some of us, not all of us) humans push our physical bodies to incredible extremes- running 200+ miles in one push, climbing 8000 meter peaks without supplemental oxygen, holding a single breath of air for more than ten minutes, and the list goes on and on across many domains and disciplines.
But what about merely surviving a chili cook-off with your bowels intact? On the surface, this sounds underwhelming, however, I think this is an underrecognized and underappreciated accomplishment of physical prowess.
Let’s take a casual neighborhood cook-off, where 15-20 participants all contribute a chili into the mix. Even at a modest event like this, one is likely to contend with a substantial number and variety of ingredients. Let’s work through the details:
Assuming folks are creative enough to produce some unique variations of chili, we’ll likely encounter a plethora of meats- ground beef, shredded chicken, pulled pork, turkey, sausage (andouille, italian, etc.), elk, venison, possibly even some shrimp. Bean-wise, we’re gonna be hit with pinto, black, kidney, MAYBE lima, certainly a white bean of some type, like your great northern bean, and if a hippie enters the contest, most definitely a lentil. In the flavor department, it’s all but guaranteed participants will utilize standard chili pepper and powder, but we also have to expect some jalapeno, serrano, poblano, and all those other peppers that end with O.
Now, is it reasonable to expect the average human with their totally average GI tract to competently process eight-plus types of meat, as many types of beans, and all the added spice and heat without complications?
I think not. I think for the average, untrained person, such an event is a night-ender. Possibly even a call-out of work the next day situation. For most mortals, the small intestine will do what it can to process the incoming nightmare and absorb the available nutrients, but after the 6th meat and the capsaicin-induced irritation, your jejunum kinda just says fuck it, quits immediately, and sends it right along to the colon to be expelled as zesty diarrhea. Nothing like a little ring sting!
So yes, let us respect the Kilian Jornets of the world. The Reinhold Messners. The David Blaines. But let’s also appreciate the unassuming guy with the dadbod who mercilessly and efficiently consumes twelve types of chili in less than half an hour and doesn’t have the slightest thought of shitting himself.
Yolo 69 420 