Fate, I think for the most part, is horseshit. I simply don’t believe in it. Things happen circumstantially, not because of some predetermined destiny. Relationships, even incredible ones, are not the result of fate.
Well, except for one. There is one known relationship in this universe that is so right, good, and harmonious that its union is surely divinely inspired, and it’s the one between my mouth and Banana Bread. I love Banana Bread. And I mean that in a way that a parent would say they love their child. I was made to eat Banana Bread, and Banana Bread was made to be consumed by me.
The evidence is abundantly clear. For starters, we are supremely compatible. Unlike any other food I know, I have a unique ability to house an obscene amount of BB with literally zero negative repercussions. My body has a profound tolerance, no, affinity for BB. Never have I felt gross after consuming BB. The only thing I ever feel or think is More, please!
Surprisingly, I think bananas in their unadulterated state are a pretty underwhelming fruit-good, but definitely nowhere near a top-10 fruit contender. Some magical alchemy occurs when mixed with egg, butter, sugar, flour, vanilla, baking soda, and nutmeg. Something holy is produced. An end-product whose sum is magnitudes greater than its parts.
I think Banana Bread should be capitalized, purely out of reverence. If we’re capitalizing Memorial Day, how about in addition to those good men and women who fought and died, we remember how BB fought for our taste buds? And won. And yes, I think there should be a paid federal holiday too. Obvious candidates are 4/20 and 6/9.
Alas, I don’t wield the power or have the authoritayy to implement such policies. All I can do is express my love. Well, just as a symphony of taste buds activates throughout my mouth with every bite, I decided a song would be the best way to express my feelings. Since I couldn’t write a song on my own that would do this baked angel justice, I chose to rip off a song I’m fond of. Here is the original, from Coldplay, We Are KING, and Jacob Collier. It’s a simple song, of limited instrumentation, but with great vocal harmonies. The internet seems to think it’s a crap song, but I rather like it. I think it sounds beautiful and is quite evocative. It should be listened to in a peaceful, quiet environment with headphones for best effect.
Anyhow, a lovely, emotional song is just the type of song that accurately captures my feelings for BB. So I took all those lovely vocal harmonies and ripped them right the fuck outta there, and inserted my own pre-pubescent voice, along with some new lyrics. It’s poorly recorded, I know, but lo-fi is hott right now, so leave me alone. Enjoy (lyrics below):
Banana Bread
Instrumentals followed by an introductory moan Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Moist, moistest Bread
Cut a slice, let the fun begin
I take a bite, I eat the loaf
With you, no self-control
Banana Bread, I really want some Banana Bread
It’s so fluffy and delicious
It’s got bananas, it’s nutritious, oooohhhhh
Banana Bread, It’s the fucking shit, my friend
I’ll eat til the very end, ooooohhhh
Of my days, Banana Bread
Bake, bake and rise
Gold, golden-brown it shines
I cool it off, to wait, I try
Bread to my lips, tears to my eyes
Banana Bread, I really want some Banana Bread
It’s so fluffy and delicious
It’s got bananas, it’s nutritious, oooohhhhh
Banana Bread, It’s the fucking shit, my friend
I’ll eat til the very end, ooooohhhh
Of my days, Banana Bread
Instrumental outro (no moans)
As I’m talking so much hype about Banana Bread, it seems wrong to leave without posting a recipe. Here’s a pretty legit one from a blog I obviously frequent constantly- The Simply Luxurious Life. Don’t be fooled by everything else on this blog, the bread delivers. It’s allegedly the recipe for the Banana Bread made by Sparrow Bakery (a well-known staple in the Bend baked-goods scene). It’s published by a third party blog, so I can’t totally verify its authenticity, but I’ve made it multiple times, and it seems close and is truly delish. Below is the recipe copied from the blog, because no one wants to read 90% of the shit in a food blog, and they always make you scroll for what you really want. Just give me the damn recipe.
Banana Bread from The Sparrow Bakery (Bend, Oregon)
Ingredients:
- 7 Ripe Bananas
- 4 Eggs
- 1 cup Canola Oil
- 2 cup Sugar
- 2 tsp Vanilla Ext.
- Pinch Nutmeg
- 2½ cup AP Flour
- ½ tsp Salt
- 2 tsp Baking Soda
Directions (as written by Whitney & Jess):
This bread is very popular at our bakery and at the farmer’s market during the summer; we typically sell 150 loaves a week! I believe you will find it is an excellent gift, and perfect for company: try it for breakfast, snack, and even dessert! Some of my customers use this banana bread to make French toast, some smear it with cream cheese!
It is very important to use ripe or even brown bananas, (sometimes, if you ask, the grocer will give you brown bananas they cannot sell!). Mash your bananas using a potato masher until they are pulverized (can’t over mash). Then beat your eggs together and add oil, sugar, vanilla, and nutmeg. Mix these “wet” ingredients and add them to your bananas. Mix. Measure out the flour, salt, and soda and sift them together. Incorporate your dry ingredients into your wet using a stiff whisk. Once I feel my ingredients are well incorporated I like to stick my hands into the batter and check for clumps of flour I missed. Don’t underestimate the fun of this step – children will enjoy getting their hands wet and if there are no little ones around don’t deny yourself the pleasure! Once your batter is mixed heavily spray two loaf pans with pan-spray and evenly distribute your batter between the pans.
Bake in an oven that has been preheated to 325º for one hour. When you remove the bread from the oven immediately sprinkle it with a healthy amount of raw sugar. Let cool completely before removing from the pan – it may help to run a metal edged spatula around the edges of the pan before knocking out the bread. Enjoy it!
A good backup is the reigning champ of online Banana Bread recipes, the All Recipe’s Banana Banana Bread recipe. That’s not a typo, they include banana twice in the name. Don’t ask me why. The perpetual SEO leader, it’s always the first recipe to appear if one googles “Banana Bread recipe.” 13,302 people have been compelled to write reviews on this recipe, and it has a 4.7/5 rating. This recipe is more popular than you and I ever will be. Frankly, it’s average as far as BB recipes go, but it still makes Banana Bread which is basically always delicious, so you’re gonna be alright if you go this route.
I just counted, and there are, no lie, 21 bananas in my freezer. I’ve got work to do, so this blog has to end. Banana Bread, it’s the fucking shit my friend.
Yolo 69 420 