Hi good people,
I did a full-body manscape session recently, and I have some words about the experience.
I did the works. The whole body hath been shaven. Trimmed the head hair. Shaved the face hair. Clipped the nose hair. Plucked the brow hair. Trimmed the ball hair. Considered thinning the chest hair, then thought, “Nah, that’s the right amount of chest hair.” Proceeded to trim all the nails-fingers and toes. Brief tangent here- My inflexibility is concerning to me, and the process of trimming my toenails is rather unpleasant. It is embarrassing how strenuous of a task it is. Nothing makes me feel older. I get why old people have such horrifying feet. They literally can’t reach them. Enough about toenails.
I of course then showered to remove the detritus of nail and hair that covered me. But from that steamy shower, I emerged like Gandalf the White- a sexier, sauver, upgraded version of myself, less the enhanced magical abilities and the dope white digs. Maybe I was experiencing a delusion of vanity, but I felt different.
Look, just go do the full-body grooming session. You will feel renewed. You will look at yourself differently. Through those misty shower fumes, your perceptions will be altered. Be careful, you may turn yourself on.. to yo’self.
Suddenly, that jaw line looks slightly more robust. What a crisp line, you could slice hot butter with that chin.
You no longer have those crusty boogs at the tip of your nose, dangling from those too-long nose hairs. While you aren’t really sexier because of this, you are less gross, which is also good.
Them pectorals are looking just a tad more inflated, despite you not doing a goddamn thing to your chest hair! It really is the right amount of hair. You ain’t twenty bitch, leave it alone.
Is the light in this bathroom somehow absolutely perfect? Because these abs are bulging right now! So full of juice they oughta be plucked and eaten.
And as I like to call ’em, those upper dick muscles, they’re amplified. I don’t know if it’s the root of your dick or the bottom of your abdomen, but I’m talking about that area that we’ve all seen on that guy who’s wearing his swim trunks so low that you can essentially see the base of his dick accompanied by some veins bulging because they’re returning all that dick blood to the heart, and there’s that muscular v-cut that basically serves as an arrow pointing to his dick. All of these features-intensified! Btw, this elaborate description makes it sound like I was staring right at that guy’s penis. I plead the fifth. How about a poem?
You’ve got the veins,
You’ve got the V.
Like an arrow.
Pointing to the D.
Since you trimmed back your bush, your dick looks an appreciable amount larger. It is the number one way to enhance your wiener. The number one! Minimal time, cost, and effort, and positive results every time! We all know this already! WE KNOW THIS. Yet, why do we let the jungle overgrow and degrade our masculinity? Deforestation, I proclaim! Deforestation!
In summary, all this shaving changes a man. You have this fresh, new attitude about yourself. Subsequently, you might even feel compelled to do something positive for yourself.
See, I liked that my wiener looked a bit bigger. And I liked the arrow that pointed to its location, just in case I forgot. In that moment, I saw the value in doing sets of leg-lifts and bicycle crunches to keep those lines sharp and those upper dick veins full. Maybe someday, I too could wear a bathing suit that teased some dick-base.
Even if such motivations are ephemeral and vain, they can be the boost needed to go do hard, healthy things. So in the dick vein of Goggins (pun), shave your balls and stay hard.
So after oogling at myself in the bathroom mirror, what did I do? I sat on the couch and drank a beer (N/A though, baby). See, I already knew I looked good. I don’t fix what ain’t broke. And for all intents and purposes, I had myself a bigger penis.
Yolo 69 420 