I came across this unpublished post from a couple years ago. Here’s an inspiring story about keeping the faith:
Desperate times call for desperate measures..
It should be clear by now that I’m a dummy. Well, no surprise, I went and did another dumb thing.
My wife, son, and I were on a little staycation at a resort near where we live. After putting the baby to bed, it was time to make things sexy…
That meant breaking out the wine. And I’m not talking about some bum-ass cheap wine. I’m talking about some $9 Bogle Old Vine Zinfandel. It’s a blatant money-flex, and I don’t even care.
But before we could sip on this superb vintage, we needed to open it. Being as fancy as it was, the bottle was at least an entire dollar out of the screw-top class of wines. And of course, we had no corkscrew on hand.
Now, we had known of our situation upon stopping at the store for a few supplies, but I assured mi amore that I had tactics up my sleeve that would reliably uncork dat baby. There was no need to buy an opener. I had been in such predicaments before and always prevailed. The wine always flowed. Always.
But this time, victory would not be had without an immense battle and divine intervention..
I started out by using what is typically a reliable opener, a ballpoint pen. However, this time, instead of pushing the cork into the bottle, it just mangled it to the dickens, chipping off small ink-saturated chunks of it, but pushing said cork no further into the neck of the bottle.
My wife looked at me and shook her head. She indeed had told me so. After being together for 10 years, we had acquired telepathic abilities between each other, and I knew exactly what she was thinking- Pathetic.
I stopped. I prayed. I prayed hard for an answer. For a way to please my wife. For a way to find redemption. And the Lord delivered. I glanced around the room, and there before me on the nightstand, sat a pristine, HARDCOVER King James Version Bible. Old and New Testament. Hefty fella. Probably at least a pound.
Clearly, this was a divine omen. I was pretty sure I knew what needed to be done, but to be sure, I paused and thought, W.W.J.D.?
Using the word of the Lord, I viciously bashed the hell out of the pen with relentless persistence until the cork caved in.
The cover of the bible was more cratered than the face of an acne-riddled 15-year old boy, but the book remained in one piece. I felt good, knowing that this individual book had been put to better use than it ever had or would be again.
I poured a couple glasses of cork-infested wine. Obviously, my wife was impressed and turned on. She did not verbally express these things, but once again, I knew telepathically.
Per usual, Jesus provided the wine. Thanks J.
Yolo 69 420 